You know that dreaded “box” that sends shivers down your spine, which gives you sleepless nights because when your baby or child’s development is off the curve, the narrative of your child not fitting in makes you break out in a cold sweat. Or forget about development; let’s talk behavior: when your child throws him or herself on the floor, gives a chilling scream, or hits you point-blank in the face. That is enough to spike any mom’s anxiety through the roof.
Heaven forbids any behavior outside that unrealistic box that will guarantee you a few stares, rude remarks, or spiral into a pang of mom guilt.
So, if I could teach my younger self something, to save myself so many tears and hurt, it would be that I should NOT raise my dear Joshua according to the picture of the boxy child I thought I was going to have, but that I would decide from day one that I was going to raise the child I got. A unique being with a unique way of learning and developing, with behavior that is unique to his story.
So, between the ages of 3 and 4, Joshua was diagnosed with epilepsy, SPD, and later Autism. Oh boy, and did that throw the apple car off his wheels. We had to rewire our brains to understand the wiring of his brain. What an incredible journey it was to discover the majestic brain and how amazing God designed us. It is mind-blowing.
A few weeks ago, a dear friend shared with me her child being diagnosed with Autism. My initial reaction was to burst into tears. I think for the first time, I revisited my nervous and very uncertain self of 5 years ago when we received the news. The tears were because I knew the journey ahead would not be easy for them, but I promised myself I would make it my mission to be there for her. And help make their journey a little less scary.
My practical tips for parents whose child does not fit into the box:
Find your “village.” But look for a “village” that understands your unique situation and with which you can identify. Under no circumstances should you go through motherhood alone!!
Get yourself a very thick skin you’re going to need it.
Don’t put yourself in situations where you will be uncomfortable about anything your child does or doesn’t do.
Read up A LOT! And remember how unique your child is. Equip yourself with your child’s unique challenges and find solutions that work for your family.
Read up about how very “out of the box” children’s emotions actually develop and age-appropriate behavior. Watch your child closely and determine which situations are too much for them.
If you find yourself often feeling disappointed by your child’s behavior, do not feel guilty. You are also in a “growing” era. Give yourself grace, and put some energy into reading up about different parenting styles, that will allow your child to be themselves and you to be a supportive parent.
Say sorry if you made a mistake( for example overreacting or shouting). It is essential that your child can see that one can make mistakes and that one then says sorry.
Respecting your child as a unique being will make your bond unbreakable. Respect is fundamental: respect for their body, respect for their will, respect for their likes and dislikes.
I made the mistake of giving “the box” too much time and energy and paid the price! I cried many, many tears! Motherhood was extremely difficult for me for a long time until I realized that my Joshua is 100% precisely who he should be. I began to understand his unique needs and adjusted my parenting style. We went to see many therapists, from whom I learned so much about who Joshua is.
Weekly, I had to adjust myself, discard rules, and learn about his unique human nature and needs. Forget ordinary; that will steal the joy of motherhood from you!
Give your child room to be unique, show them that you love who they are, and enjoy this adventure called PARENTING.
Evette x
